


What it is to lead...

by TeachMePatience



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dancing, Downworlder Politics, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt Magnus Bane, Husbands, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, Protective Alec Lightwood, Slow Dancing, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 11:37:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13810380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeachMePatience/pseuds/TeachMePatience
Summary: Alec’s past insecurities had always bled into everything he did; his behaviour, his affections, his self-worth. He’d been so unsure of how the man currently stood in front of him would change his life. He’d been so sure that the world would shatter around him and the earth would crumble beneath him. Tonight though, there was no hint of the tremors he’d been wracked with. His movements were strong and infallible, like his commitment to Magnus. He knew he would never let go of him.*   *   *Magnus and Alec's growing ability to let one another in is reflected in their movements. They find love and understanding, learn what it means to lead and follow in a relationship...until familiarity threatens to tear them apart.





	What it is to lead...

**Author's Note:**

> So this one is for me... and for Rach. Just because I'm not writing with you doesn't mean I wont write for you.
> 
> Hasn't been beta read or anything.
> 
> Let me know if it's actually any good because this was a nightmare to tag!!
> 
> Also be interested to know what your endings are!

Alec didn’t want the glorious death anymore. He’d always hoped for a soldier’s end on the battlefield. He could protect others and uphold the law, and he would be proud to meet a fighting end because what else was there for him? Now though, he just wanted Magnus and a life with him where he didn’t need to hide.

He’d only wanted to come because he knew Magnus would be here. Izzy knew it. Jace knew it. Thankfully they didn’t hold it against him and just sniggered when he asked if he could join them tonight. Jace had mocked him in his usual offensive way and Izzy had forced him to change his outfit more times than necessary. He had played along, pretending that they were irritating him but found himself trying not to smirk back at them both. He appreciated their unwavering acceptance and constant teasing, even if he’d never admit it to their faces. 

They knew him too well, although his unplanned outburst at the wedding had caught everyone off guard. He was in uncharted territory now. He felt so out of his comfort zone. He hated the gossip that surrounded him. He didn’t hate being the centre of attention, just preferred to go unnoticed. He never celebrated or boasted when he was praised for an effective mission, or a particularly lethal training session. That was his job, even if he had been pushed into the spotlight for it occasionally. This was the _wrong_ kind of attention. People weren’t talking about _him_ , they were talking _about_ him.

He caught himself wondering if he could have done anything to lessen the shock of it all. Maybe if he had been more open, approachable, unruly? Maybe then the air of shame that surrounded him would have dissipated by now... maybe. Was it because Magnus was a guy? Or a Downworlder? Deep down he knew that it was probably because it had been _him_. Stoic, silent and by-the-book Clave progeny, Alec Lightwood. If _he_ could do something like this then what would stop others?

Magnus liked clubbing. Magnus liked dancing. Alec definitely didn’t. A spiteful voice inside his head had started to gnaw away at him since the day of the wedding, ruining the single thing he’d done solely for himself.

 

_He’ll get bored of you._

_You’ve got nothing in common._

_He’ll want no part of your closed-off lifestyle._

Alec convinced himself he could do this. Standing at the bar in Pandemonium he now had other ideas. He was so out of his depth, drowning in blaring music and pulsing speakers. Strobe lighting flashed and blinded him. Lazers roamed, cutting across the grinding bodies on the dancefloor. He couldn’t compete with this.

And then there was the dancing, or at least that was what Alec thought it was. Hot sweating bodies pushed and dragged against one another. Skin on skin. Hips thrusting and shaking, arms held in the air and heads tipped back without restraint. He couldn’t do this. These people, mundanes and Downworlders alike, they seemed so at ease with themselves. Confident and liberated. Everything Alec wanted to let himself be. Everything he’d never be.

Then he spotted Magnus and couldn’t contain the growing smile that crept across his face. The warlock had always managed to make Alec’s heart beat a little quicker, a little harder. Here, amongst his own people, lost in rhythm, he looked like he truly belonged and Alec felt his throat tighten slightly.

Magnus was otherworldly; like each movement of his body could project his thoughts and feelings to those around him. In dance he had no limitations and could be wherever he wanted to be. His feet moved so quickly and his body was so in time with the beat. He was effortless, even when there seemed to be no room and too many bodies surrounding him.

The smile that barely clung to Alec’s lips fell and the darkness of the room crept into his heart. It was there, somewhere within him, he knew it. That wildfire, desperate to burn brightly, simmering and fighting the pressure that threatened to extinguish him altogether.

There were too many people here. None of them were paying any attention to him but he suddenly felt hot. Who had he been kidding coming to a _club_? He was never going to be able to have this. He was too regimented, too stuck in his ways.

He wanted to go over to Magnus. He wanted to be able to dance with him, but he didn’t need everyone here to see how vulnerable he truly was. He _knew_ he was his own worst enemy. He _knew_ that he was the cause of his own inaction and self-consciousness.

How was it possible to be seen as a warrior, a protector, and still hate the choices he’d made? To have a heart full of regret and a mind that replays your mistakes over and over again. Now the person he desired most in the whole world was dancing half-a-room away from him and all he was doing was edging closer and closer to the exit, needing to breathe, needing to get away.

He needed to be better.

 

*    *    *

 

Magnus knew something was definitely wrong, whether Alec would say anything about it was another thing. Alec was the same resolved Shadowhunter Magnus had always known him to be, but there was a warmth to him now that ran deep. Something had shifted. Once you fought through all of his distrustful silence, his aggression and cutting sarcasm, and really saw Alec’s core then there was no turning back. He was moral, loyal and utterly defenceless.

Magnus poured two glasses of wine at the island in his kitchen and continued to watch Alec. At first glance it seemed that he was enthralled in the TV but Magnus knew better. He was lost in thought, eyes unfocussed. Seeing Alec at war with his own feelings, with his future path, always made his heart ache.

Magnus knew Alec would soar one day. He’d stretch his wings and see the vast possibilities of life laid out before him. Right now though, he was too locked up in his frozen prison, afraid to pick the lock or rattle the cage.

It had been a long time since Magnus had been this entangled in his own emotions for another. For the first time in forever, Magnus had come to terms with his lot in life as a singular soul without another that would ever fit him perfectly. He’d all but given up on finding someone to see all of his bravado for what it was, someone to look past his own defences and heal the burdens he’d carried for centuries instead of running from them.

Then chaotic, confused and _closeted_ Alexander had crashed into his life and allowed him a glimpse at a heart of the purest of gold, and he succumbed to his age-old weakness. He always fell too fast and too hard.

It was way too early and Magnus knew it, but he’d already given his heart to Alec. All he could hope for was that he would tend to its broken pieces, take hold of it and never let go.

Alec looked good in Magnus’ loft, shoes kicked off and lounging into the back of the sofa. He almost looked like he belonged, almost. Alec’s few personal belongings scattered about his home stabbed at the glimmer of hope Magnus felt within. The hope that Alec would want this too, want this loft, this life, with _him_. Magus returned to the couch, placing the wine on the coffee table and took both of Alec’s hands in his.

Alec turned to face him, clearly pulled from his thoughts. His brow furrowed slightly, eyes searching Magnus’ face for…what exactly?

“Alexander,” Magnus started, tone more serious than he’d intended. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Alec pulled back slightly, surprised that his attempted normalcy had been exposed. Magnus raised an unconvinced eyebrow at him and held his unwavering gaze. He exhaled slowly and decided to change tact. He knew Alec well enough by now to know that the way to ease his doubts and insecurities was to make him laugh. One smile, the smallest of giggles and Alec was defeated.

“Fine, fine! You know how much I can’t resist a classic ‘blue steel’, but I should probably tell you, you’re doing it all wrong. It’s less…” Magnus paused for effect and pulled a brooding face, similar to the one Alec was currently wearing. “It’s more like this, watch.” He proceeded to go slightly overboard in a frankly ridiculous expression, holding it just long enough.

The corner of Alec’s mouth curved up and Magnus gloated in triumph, losing himself in the sound of Alec’s reluctant laughter.

“I hate you.” Alec smirked, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes contradicting his words.

“You hate my ability to expose you for the teddy bear that you are!”

Alec shot him an unamused stare.

“Come on, you know you can tell me anything Alexander. I may even be able to help?”

Alec released a defeated sigh and let his head drop back against the sofa. Magnus noted the palest of pink tinges to his Shadowhunter’s cheeks and waited, knowing he’d wait as long as it took for Alec for feel comfortable.

“I doubt it. Izzy tried to help already and it didn’t go well. Apparently I’m a lost cause…” Alec paused before morphing into a frighteningly accurate impression of his sister’s tone. “Loosen up Alec! Stop over-thinking it, Alec! You’re doing it all wrong, follow me Alec!”

Magnus struggled to hide his smile as Alec dragged a frustrated hand through his hair. Even now, dishevelled and making absolutely no sense Alexander managed to completely disarm him. Magnus couldn’t find it in himself to tease any further.

“I’m not following you, Alec.”

“It’s this.” Alec sat forward and waved a frustrated hand at the TV.

“Dancing with the Stars? If it bothers you that much we can watch something else. I know you’re only indulging me with…”

“Magnus,” Alec interrupted, his voice steady. He breathed out a long hopeless sigh and entwined their fingers together. “Just…just listen ok?”

Magnus nodded, willing to do anything if it would remove the hunch that had permeated Alec’s shoulders this evening.

“A few weeks ago I came to Pandemonium. You were there. You were dancing…”

“Alec! Why didn’t you..?” Magnus interrupted but soon cut himself off on seeing the defeat behind Alec’s eyes. Magnus motioned for him to continue.

“You were dancing, and I wanted to come over…I _really_ did! But there were so many people… and you looked so…you were so free. And I can’t…I’ll never be…I don’t know how...”

“Alexander,” Magnus tried again, seeing that Alec was struggling. “Are you brooding because you don’t know how to dance?”

“Maybe…I don’t know. It’s not just that Magnus. I want to be able to, for you. I want to do something _with_ you. It’s just…you’re so good at it. You’re so outgoing and you don’t care what other people think, and I’m so…not.”

Magnus’ eyes softened and he reached up to cup Alec’s cheek, allowing his thumb to stroke the tender skin there.

“What’s this all about Alec?”

“Am I boring to you?” Alec breathed out, so unsure of himself.

Magnus had known the moment he first laid eyes on Alec that he would end up in over his head. Outwardly he seemed to have it all; strength, courage, confidence, purpose. Magnus had seen through that façade immediately, recognising much of his own past and hurt was lurking beneath Alec’s runed skin. He’d seen the soul hiding within and knew how special it was. Alec had made it clear what he was willing to risk for a chance at a life without enforced restrictions and lies. Magnus knew he would do everything in his power to protect that choice and show him what the world truly had to offer. Magnus was going to help him enjoy life in the light.

 “My love, you are anything but boring.”

Magnus stood suddenly and a flourish of blue tendrils sent the table and its wine glasses to the other side of the room, turned the TV off and initiated the soft lyrical tones of Ella Fitzgerald in the background. Magnus reached a hand down to where Alec still sat on the sofa, now looking a little tense. Alec placed his hand cautiously in Magnus’ and allowed himself to be pulled up.

“We’ll start slow, ok?” Magnus asked, not wanting Alec to feel uncomfortable.

“Ok”

Magnus placed Alec’s hands where they needed to be, pushed his shoulders down a little bit encouraging him to relax.

“Just one thing missing,” Magnus mused and couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him when Alec’s eyes roamed his, full of questions. Magnus prodded at Alec’s cheeks, forcing them upwards and cracking his face into a smile. Alec laughed in return, both of them easing into the ridiculousness of the situation they were in. Alec had loosened up a little, more than that, he seemed genuinely happy. Magnus could feel it radiating from him and saw his own affections mirrored there.

“Ok,” Magnus continued, placing his hands back where they needed to be. “You’re going to lead, and I’ll follow.”

“What!?” Alec asked incredulously.

“You mentioned that you couldn’t follow Izzy?”

“Yeah, there was a lot of…uh…bumping and stepping on feet.” Alec replied a little awkwardly.

“You try leading. Go with what feels natural to you and I’ll follow, give you a nudge in the right direction every now and again. Talk you through it. Make you look good.” Magnus winked at him and relished the smirk that he garnered in return.

Magnus found himself a little lost in the way Alec was looking at him, so uninhibited and eager to learn, eager to please. The fact that he was one of the few people that ever got to see Alec this way was quite overwhelming.

“Ok, I’m leading,” Alec said doubtfully, moving his body ever so slightly around to the right and watching to see how Magnus moved his body with his. “Try to minimise the foot crushing, right?”

“I’m a big boy Alexander. I can take a little pain if that’s what we need to for you to emerge from your dad-dancing cocoon as a dynamic butterfly.”

Alec burst out laughing but didn’t stop his mixture of clumsy sways and turns. He was devastating like this, protected by the security of Magnus’ loft, spontaneous and unreservedly _Alec._ A few weeks ago Magnus wouldn’t have thought even this was possible! He was built to lead in every aspect of the word. Maybe there was hope for him yet.

“Ow!”

“Sorry!”

 

*    *    *

 

Alec had been desperate to get home all evening. A simple mission had turned into an all-out ambush and then an exhausting few hours ensuring they’d been thorough. He remembered a time when he’d relished being out until the early hours of the morning, back to back with Jace, putting his body on the line. This wasn’t where his heart lived anymore.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t have ambitions and was probably overly-committed to his job, but he knew it wasn’t his sole priority any longer. He always looked forward to going home at the end of his day. He hadn’t changed that much, just knew that he enjoyed this slight shift in his life. His name wasn’t discussed in hushed tones anymore. He knew his lifestyle with Magnus wasn’t really accepted but it wasn’t largely discussed either and that gave him the breathing space he’d been desperate for. He didn’t feel hopeless any longer, knew there was a viable future for him.

Now, however, sheepishly stood at the foot of their shared bed, freshly showered and hair still clinging to his forehead he wondered whether his priorities needed reorganising again. Magnus always waited up for him when he came home late. Alec knew he was in a teasing mood tonight. They’d shared a few inappropriate texts as the day progressed and Alec knew that his late arrival would only bolster Magnus further.

“I believe I was promised an exotic dance to make up for this blatant hijacking of my beauty sleep?” Magnus teased, laying back against the pillows on the bed.

Alec didn’t miss the way he was sat above the covers, clearly waiting for a show. Despite himself he chuckled, remembering the crude texts Magnus had been torturing him with all day.

“I definitely didn’t promise that! Pretty sure you tried to blackmail me into it.”

“Ohhh, come on Alexander! Humour me!” Magnus said, sitting forward and throwing one of the pillows in Alec’s direction. “You’re so much more co-ordinated now, not the wallflower you used to be! Let me appreciate your skills.”

Alec struggled to contain a burst of laughter at that. His dancing skills had improved with his confidence over the past year, always within the confines of Magnus’ loft, but he was by no means graceful. He’d accidentally admitted to enjoying their practise once, but this? What Magnus wanted was a different skill set all together.

“I don’t know how to dance like that Magnus, I can’t…”

“I’ve been so terribly concerned for your welfare _all_ evening.” Magnus interrupted, his voice playful. “If only there were a way you could make it up to me…”

Alec rolled his eyes and watched as Magnus moved down the length of the bed. He pushed up onto his knees once he reached the end bringing himself almost eye-level with Alec. His gaze was powerful, inescapable, and always managed to strip Alec bare. He felt a familiar heat move through him the way it did every time Magnus looked at him like this, every time Magnus got this close to him. Even now, firmly settled into their relationship, Magnus still managed to intoxicate him.  His boyfriend was toying with him and he knew it. Alec was helpless to it.

“You know how this goes Alexander,” Magnus practically whispered, his eyes never leaving Alec’s face. “You lead and I follow.”

Alec watched Magnus place his fingers suggestively along the waistband of his own pyjama bottoms, raising his eyebrows in question. That was all the motivation Alec needed. He’d be awkward and graceless, probably even cringe at himself later but he didn’t care if Magnus wanted it like this.

He quickly pulled his t-shirt over his head, tossing it behind him carelessly and pulled himself in closer to Magnus, placing his hands on his hips.

Magnus’ eyes glimmered darkly and Alec felt a feather-light touch trailing the length of his exposed sides, curving gradually around and then spreading across his back. He swayed ever so slightly side-to-side, enjoying the brush of silk pyjamas against his exposed chest.

“Come on Magnus” Alec breathed, pressing their foreheads together. His blood rushed and his skin burned when Magnus teased him like this.

“I’m going to need a little more finesse darling.” Magnus playfully countered, dropping his hands to Alec’s hips and guiding him to sway and roll temptingly. Alec knew it was no accident when Magnus’ hand brushed against the area that craved him most, the area that was currently being neglected. He dropped his head so that his chin rested on his chest and gave himself over to Magnus’ ministrations, completely unaware of what his body was even doing.

Alec’s breathing hitched and he felt desire pooling deep in his stomach.

“We had a deal Magnus,” Alec begged, pulling at Magnus’ pyjama shirt.

Magnus’ firm hand was suddenly on his chest, pushing him backwards. He moved off the bed, pressing his body firmly against Alec and pulled him forwards once more into a bruising kiss. Alec responded by giving way to Magnus, feeling his knees weaken a little, the way they always did when Magnus took over like this. Magnus was passionate and perfect, and everything he wanted. He’d awakened pleasures that Alec had never felt before. He was lost in his body’s sensations, anchored only the hands cupped possessively at the nape of his neck.

When Magnus pulled away slightly Alec chased the loss of contact and found himself held in Magnus’ firm grasp again, turned and pushed backwards onto the bottom of the bed. He bounced slightly, falling onto the sheets and pushed himself up onto his elbows, watching as Magnus slowly began to unfasten silk buttons.

“This isn’t much of a dance y’know.” He teased as Magnus dropped his shirt to the floor. Alec’s eyes licked over the bare chest painted gold in the low lighting. He knew that goading his boyfriend often played to his advantage, encouraged him to step things up a little.

It garnered a hint of a smile from Magnus who moved to crawl on top of Alec, pushing him back down so that he lay flat beneath him.

“Look who’s suddenly an expert now that the spotlight has shifted?” Magnus said, his face hovering tantalisingly close to Alec’s.

“You know I hate that kind of spotlight. You used it to your advantage, admit it. ” Alec countered, putting his hands to good use and eliciting a moan from Magnus that he wanted to drown in.

“I took pity on you. Self-conscious Shadowhunters are a weakness of mine it seems.”

“I’m sorry I’m so uninspiring for you” Alec breathed out as sensually as he could manage.

Magnus pulled up a little at that and for a second Alec thought he’d done something wrong, gone too far with their banter. Magnus was searching his face for something, his eyes filled with a passion that would burn the world around them. He took hold of Alec’s wrists and pushed them into the mattress just above his head, holding him there and leaning down over him again.

“You, Alexander, are the most inspiring person I’ve ever met. You’re going to be head of the institute soon, I can feel it. You’re bridging our two worlds and you don’t even realise it. So many people look up to you. You were born to lead.”

Alec was helpless to do anything other than look up into Magnus’ agonisingly honest face and listen. He knew Magnus meant every word. He could hear the pride overwhelming his voice. He could see the fervour in his eyes. He could feel the love pouring from the very essence of the man he was going to give the rest of his life to.

“Born to lead huh?” Alec tested, pushing slightly against the grip on his wrists but Magnus held firm.

“Well, maybe not tonight…” Magnus said, his tone changing and becoming darker.

 

*    *    *

 

Magnus couldn’t compare this moment with a single other from his catalogue of immortal memories. He’d treasure this above everything else. Everyone he loved, everything he’d ever yearned for was here, in one room.

He’d witnessed much change over the centuries. He’d seen empires rise and fall, seen terrible men lead and great men sit back and follow, but this? This room was the most important melding of worlds he was yet to be a part of. The New York centre of operations, colourfully decorated to celebrate yet another victory embodied that change this evening. It wasn’t just filled with its usual melee of Shadowhunters. Magnus was also in the company of beloved Vampires, Werewolves, Warlocks, even a Seelie or two.

His Alexander finally had the helm of the Institute and was leading it through the stagnant waters it had been festering in for so many years. Everyone had pulled together, put differences aside and worked together for the greater good. Of course, Alec would say that he was merely a cog in the machine, that he hadn’t orchestrated anything. He’d wave this victory aside and talk about how the Clave had progressed, but not enough. He’d promise that he wouldn’t rest until things were balanced, until things were equal for everyone.

He watched Alexander hover at the edge of the dance floor, hunched over and rocking slightly. Tiny blue hands held firmly in his palms and small feet resting gently on Alec’s much larger ones. He cherished the way Alec ‘danced’ with Max, lifting him and turning with such tenderness. The fragile innocence of their son’s laughter as he giggled adoringly up at his father rendered Magnus completely powerless.

He had a family, a _real_ family that returned his love in a way he’d always craved. Watching Alec and Max’s expressions of joy transcend their limited movements was as easy, like watching the pieces of a healing world knit together. A world in which you give everything to those around you and lost nothing of yourself.

Magnus moved through the crowd of bodies towards his family on the dancefloor.

“Mind if Papa borrows Daddy for a little bit Blueberry?” Magnus asked, smoothing his hand affectionately over Max’s curls. “Aunt Izzy has been waiting for a dance with you all night.”

Max jumped down from Alec’s feet, his eyes squinting and searching the crowd for his aunt. Magnus crouched down to his level, pointing to where Izzy stood, arms open and waiting. Without a second thought Max ran off through the crowd to her. The fact that he didn’t know what it was to be oppressed, that he felt just as safe surrounded by Shadowhunters as he did Warlocks meant everything.

“Couldn’t resist my dad-dancing huh?” Alec teased, pulling Magnus back up to eye level.

Magnus smiled, remembering a time when Alec had been so unsure of himself, so unsure he was enough.

Alec stood a little awkwardly, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Their faces were too close for casual conversation, bodies too far apart for dancing. They’d never done this in public before. Magnus had never asked because he knew how uncomfortable it made Alec knowing he was being watched, being judged. Alec saw himself as someone that couldn’t dance. He’d say he was too rigid, couldn’t pick up the rhythm quick enough and never knew what to do with his hands. It was a weakness and Shadowhunters didn’t show weaknesses in public.

Tonight however, something seemed different. There was a dark twinkle behind Alec’s eyes that was almost challenging Magnus to ask him to dance.

“Alexander,” Magnus started hesitantly, trying to read the face before him. “I don’t suppose you’d want to…” He waved a hand towards the dancefloor.

Alec never denied him anything. He supported him, comforted him, and deferred to him. He knew him inside out and Magnus had thought there was little of Alec’s personality that would surprise him anymore, but this?

Alec shrugged nonchalantly and moved forward, placing his hands in their practised positions on Magnus’ hips. Magnus didn’t even try to contain the smile that tore across his face as he entwined his hands at the back of Alec’s neck. He waited a beat, allowing Alec time to ensure he was ready.

“Alexander, you need to move, remember?” Magnus coaxed, raising his eyebrows in question when Alec remained motionless.

“Right.” Alec muttered, the concentration evident in the lines between his brows. He pulled his eyes away from Magnus’ like he always did in favour of watching his feet.

Alec’s movements were tenser than usual, more guarded than they were in the confines of the loft. Magnus followed his lead, aware that Alec would only experiment as far as basic steps tonight but this was a start.

“Chin up Alec,” Magnus whispered, moving a hand to tip his lover’s head up. “You’ve got a lot to hold your head up high for tonight.”

Alec let out a deflective scoff in response.

“I mean it! Look at this room, all of these people! You pulled everyone together here. You pulled off this success.”

“It wasn’t just me Magnus.” Alec replied, bumping against him affectionately. Magnus wasn’t sure if he’d meant to do it or if it had been an accident. “Things are far from perfect. This kind of thing shouldn’t be a rarity needing to be celebrated, it should just _be_.”

“One step at a time, love. What you’ve achieved is not to be belittled. It’s paving a better way for those to come after, for Max and…”

“That’s all I want.” Alec interrupted with devastating honesty.

Magnus sighed and smiled.

“And this,” Alec continued. “Here, dancing with you. I thought I had to be something else to ever have this, to change who I am.” Alec huffed out a laugh, the tension easing in his shoulders a little. “I was younger then.”

“You’re young now!”

“I know, but I just…” Alec hesitated, his steps losing their synchronicity with the music slightly. “I know now that it’s okay to not be perfect at _everything_.”

“The best leaders never are, in my experience.”

Alec winced ever so slightly and Magnus wondered if _he’d_ taken a misstep before Alec spoke again, his voice soft and protective.

“I want to make it better for you too Magnus, y’know, for when I…”

Alec caught himself and trailed off. He didn’t need to finish that sentence. The very thought of a time when Alec wouldn’t be a constant presence in Magnus’ life was too painful to even think about. Instead, Magnus tried to deflect like he always did when this topic came up.

“You know me well enough to know that the words of others don’t hurt me.”

“I know you well enough to know that’s a lie.” Alec countered, unconvinced.

Magnus paused. He dropped his arms and placed his hands over Alec’s, halting their careful movements as the song slowly reached its final notes.

“Thank you for dancing with me Alexander.”

“Yeah…I, uh,” Alec stumbled, obviously feeling responsible for the brief sombreness between them. “I still need some practise. Not perfect, right?”

“Perfect enough,” Magnus replied, trying to find the light tone they had earlier.  “Although I think your sister might have something to say about it. She was watching you the whole time.”

Alec rolled his eyes and let out an agonised groan. If he was asked, Magnus would deny the slight smirk that crossed his face when Alec turned to see Izzy’s predatory smile.

“Go, I’ll get us some drinks and be right with you.”

Alec looked reluctant to leave and commit himself to the critical onslaught of his sister but Max was already making his way back over. He felt Alec give his hand a last squeeze then swept Max up in his arms on his way to Izzy.

Watching him walk away, Magnus couldn’t help the way his heart clenched at Alec’s words.

_I want to make it better for you too Magnus._

Alec had promised Magnus time and time again that his life belonged to him. Their decision to raise Max together with all of the love that he deserved hadn’t just created a future that Alec thought unobtainable, it had created a future that Magnus had thought _impossible_.

He knew that Alec’s love and morals would always be instilled in their son, their _immortal_ son. Even when Alec was gone, his love and his legacy would still be present in Magnus’ life.

They’d been over all of this. He knew Alec would lead the way and push for as much change as he could within one lifetime. Alexander had healed him in a way he didn’t think possible. The pain he’d become so accustomed to, the pain of being alone wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t frightened of it anymore.

It didn’t change the fact that Magnus would never be ready to lose him.

 

*    *    *

 

“ _We’d like to ask the newlyweds to make their way to the dance floor for their first dance as a married couple_.”

“Alec, that’s you.” Jace nudged him when he didn’t immediately move.

Alec turned around, took in all of the smiling faces looking in his direction and pushed his shoulders back a little. He scanned the room for the one face he was missing, seeking out the other half of his soul.

His eyes landed on Magnus, already stood on the empty dancefloor. Their eyes locked and Magnus smiled, waiting patiently like he always did, palm outstretched.

Alec moved forwards, acknowledging the affectionate pats to his shoulders and back as he made his way through the crowd. A familiar lyrical beat started up in the background and Alec smirked. He should have known that Magnus would choose this one. The first song they’d ever danced to when Alec had been all tentative hands, anxious that he was holding on too tightly.

Tonight however, he didn’t care. It was just him and his husband. Alec aligned himself with Magnus’ body and moved his hands underneath his unbuttoned suit jacket, pulling his as close to him as possible. He hoped Magnus would recognise the surety of his grip for what it was.

Alec’s past insecurities had always bled into everything he did; his behaviour, his affections, his self-worth. He’d been so unsure of how the man currently stood in front of him would change his life. He’d been so sure that the world would shatter around him and the earth would crumble beneath him. Tonight though, there was no hint of the tremors he’d been wracked with. His movements were strong and infallible, like his commitment to Magnus. He knew he would never let go of him.

“You approve of the song choice I see?” Magnus began, curling his fingers into Alec’s loosened shirt collar.

“Ella Fitzgerald?”

“I’m almost certain the first time I played this you had no clue who that was.” Magnus mocked, knowingly.

Alec huffed out a laugh, knowing how right Magnus was.

They were together in every way a couple possibly could be. Even more so, they were accepted. Alec knew there would always be those that lurked in the shadows, refusing to acknowledge _this,_ but they didn’t matter anymore. They’d fought hard enough and pushed against archaic boundaries until they were exhausted. It had all been worth it to stand here today, in their respective union colours and know that this was official, that they were recognised by the Clave in every way.

Magnus patiently followed his lead around the floor, always putting him first, even though he was by far superior to anything and everything Alec could hope to be. Their bodies fit together and fell into a familiar rhythm, one that embodied all of the strength and promises they’d exchanged over the past years.

“I don’t think you’ll ever understand how happy you’ve made me Alexander.” Magnus breathed out, pulling Alec closer and resting his head lightly against his shoulder.

“I don’t deserve this, Magnus. I don’t deserve _you_.” Alec replied, knowing it had been the truth since the beginning.

“You deserve everything.”

Alec faltered a little at the sentiment, unable to hide how much Magnus’ words affected him. He gently took hold of Magnus’ hands, stepped back a little and twirled him under his arm, pulling him back in close afterwards.

He knew there were cameras flashing around him, and that friends were filming them but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was pretty sure he heard Jace whooping supportively in the distance and allowed himself a second to feel the overwhelming pride that coursed through their shared bond.

_Alexander Lightwood-Bane._

How had the swelling storm that was his life turned into this? How had conformist Alec Lightwood, always content to follow orders, become _this_? He hadn’t been forced to choose, hadn’t been forced to sacrifice one part of his life for the other. He knew it had been a challenging road and yet, he couldn’t help but feel blessed.

There had always been one constant that had healed and blended the various pieces of his soul; the leader, the husband, the father, the Shadowhunter. There was one constant that gave him his masculinity _and_ his freedom.

That one constant was inches away from him, swaying gently and basking in the loving glow he knew was pouring from his own eyes right now. Magnus had pulled him back from the precipice of losing everything he had.

Alec knew the reality of being a Shadowhunter. He knew they were often denied the greying streaks in their hair and aging lines on their faces, but he wished for it anyway. He wanted to watch Max and Rafe grow up. He wanted as much time as fate could offer him. He wanted old age, and knowing how unlikely it was wouldn’t stop his longing.

“ _Ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together for Alexander and Magnus Lightwood-Bane_ ”

Alec was suddenly pulled back to the present, enveloped in applause and melting against the warmth of Magnus’ lips pressed against his. The future could definitely wait.

 

*    *    *

 

Thunder rumbled outside and Magnus jolted himself awake. He pushed himself upright, his body rigid and his eyes searching, terrified. His sweat-soaked chest was heaving as he lifted a hand to stifle the sobs that were wracking his body. His heart was hammering, dragging the trauma within to the veins beneath his skin. He knew his face was wet. His eyes felt swollen and burned. _Who does he go to? How is he going to tell the boys?_ He was frozen with panic, body trembling violently.

His eyes roamed Alec’s empty side of the bed beside him. He pushed out a shaking hand, feeling the area where his husband usually slept. It was still warm. Barely there, but Magnus felt a lingering body heat where the pillow met the mattress. For a second he thought he was delirious, like he was being tricked in the cruellest way possible.

He heaved in a few rattling breaths. Tried to reconcile the beating of his heart with its regular rhythm. Alexander was still here. He hadn’t left yet. He was okay. He was safe.

Why then couldn’t he shake the fearful whispers from his head? They had wrapped around him, forcing havoc and terror into his heart, threatening to tear his love to shreds. He’d had nightmares before, but not like this. They’d never been this vivid, this _real_.

 _Liar,_ his mind painfully supplied. He’d had a dream like this _once_ before. He’d felt this crippling dread _once_ before. It had been the night before he’d lost Ragnor. Magnus had dismissed it for what he’d deemed it to be, a particularly bad terror. He wasn’t prone to prophetic dreaming. It wasn’t a characteristic his magic had ever exhibited. Now however, he wasn’t so sure he should ignore this, if that’s was _this_ even was!

His guilt over Ragnor had consumed him. It had threatened to swallow him whole and shroud him in darkness.  It had taken years to even attempt to come to terms with it. He couldn’t push down the anxiety that tonight was the same. That it was happening all over again.

Magnus squeezed his eyes shut, pushing his fingers into them as hard as he could manage. He needed to wipe those images from his memory. _His_ Alexander, one insignificant body amongst so many others strewn across the battlefield. It was what every Shadowhunter supposedly yearned for, to go out fighting. Magnus knew Alec better than that.

The unimaginable emptiness he felt at his core threatened to consume him again, bubbling up inside and catching itself in his throat. Alexander had died on his knees, devoid of everything he’d worked so hard to embody. His last breath had been Magnus’ name, whispered apologetically before the light went out of his defeated eyes. His muddied skin too pale in the moonlight, limbs unmoving and his heart forever silenced.

Magnus’ body lurched again as the images tormented him and he wrapped his arms protectively around himself. This was a nightmare, nothing more. Why then was he wracked with the sinking feeling that he was already alone? Why did he feel like the fates already had Alec’s life thread pulled taught between their fingers, ready to cut it short?

He placed his feet on the floor and took a second to ground himself. His exposed skin shivered against the cold embrace of night. The storm raging outside paled in comparison to the tempest within Magnus’ mind. He didn’t know what to do. This was Alec’s mission. The culmination of months of work. He was doing what Magnus had always encouraged him to do; pull others together, lead, be someone to emulate.

Magnus couldn’t ask him not to go, but he couldn’t lose him either.

He tried to push away at the stinging behind his eyes and moved unsteadily into living room. Alec stood, none the wiser, sipping coffee and looking out over the city. His jacket was already on, bow strapped across his back.

Alec flinched at the unexpected sound of Magnus coming into the living room. He turned, an affectionate smile on his face that quickly morphed into an expression of concern. Magnus knew he probably looked as bad as he felt. He knew dark circles weighed heavily beneath his eyes and that he was failing to keep the distress from his face.

Magnus watched Alec slowly place his coffee on the table, remove his bow and pull off his jacket. He approached Magnus carefully, like one would for a wounded animal that needed rescuing. Magnus couldn’t pull his eyes away from Alec’s face, from the life and love behind his eyes. Alec manoeuvred his jacket so that it draped over Magnus’ shoulders, securing him in his body heat and pulled him into an embrace.

“Magnus,” Alec whispered, his voice protective and calming. “What’s wrong?”

Alec held him tightly, swaying lightly from side to side, the same way he did when trying to calm one of their sons. Magnus fisted a hand into Alec’s shirt, knowing that he’d need to explain but unsure that he could get the words out. He felt so infantile but he couldn’t escape the vividness of his dream.

Everything was exactly as he’d seen it, and that hadn’t escaped Magnus’ notice. The green sweater Alec currently wore, the fact that he hadn’t had on his usual jacket, even the small nick to his eyebrow from training with Rafe that he hadn’t bothered to heal.

It was going to happen. If Alec left here today he was going to lose him. Magnus didn’t know if he had the strength to ask what his heart needed him to.

“I had a dream,” he managed to choke out. “I lost you Alexander. I saw you die.”

“It was just a dream Magnus,” Alec replied, smoothing a hand over Magnus’ hair as he continued rocking from side-to-side. “You’ve had them before.”

Magnus stayed silent, not knowing how to translate his turbulent mind into words.

“How about I promise you an awful exotic dance when I get home? No blackmail necessary, I promise.” Alec tried lightly, pulling back a little to look at Magnus’ face.

“It was more than a dream Alec.” Magnus sighed, pulling a hand up to cup his husband’s cheek and stopping his movements. “It felt out of body, like a memory. It’s happened before…the night before Ragnor…”

Alec went quiet, seriousness now etched into the frown on his face. Alec knew this story, he had helped carry the crushing guilt Magnus had almost given himself over to.

“Don’t go.” Magnus whispered, his eyes imploring Alec not to deny him this.

“What?” Alec breathed out.

“Please don’t go. Stay with me. I can’t lose you, not yet. This can’t be the last time I feel your heart beating next to mine.”

“Magnus, this is _my_ mission.” Alec started, the indecision he’d fought all his life now returning to his face. “There are hundreds of people counting on me. If we can pull this off it will change the face of the Shadowworld forever… for the better.”

“I know.”

“If I don’t go, if I pull out of this, I’ll be breaking the accords. Innocent people are going to get hurt. The Downworld will descend in chaos.”

“I know.” Magnus repeated, his voice small.

Alec softened and held Magnus’ hands in the space between them, at an impasse.  Doubt and hesitancy had worked itself into every line on his husband’s face. Alec had always been a leader, whether he’d known it or not. The difference now was that he was a leader for so many others too. He knew it was wrong, but Magnus found himself selfishly hoping that he was the only one that really mattered in this moment.

“They chose me as their leader Magnus, all of them.” Alec continued, and Magnus winced a little, trying to decipher Alec’s tone. He wasn’t sure whether Alec was saying this for his benefit, or whether he was trying to convince himself.

Magnus found himself suddenly wanting all of their time back, wanting to go back to the start.

“Alexander, please don’t lead where I can’t follow.”

 

 


End file.
